Natural Wonder

     A few days ago, I took a walk along a new favored place called the Greenway.  Let me first say that I got stupid that day.  I walked farther than I should have and paid for it.  At the end of the walk, my feet were killing me, my ankles hurt like hell, my knees were creakin' and I was limping pretty bad.  But I would gladly accept all that pain all over again for what I saw.

     It marvels me what some people willing refuse to acknowledge.  My walks, originally mandated by a doctor, are now something I actually look forward to.  For one simple reason.  For the nature.  Back to my point, it marvels me, when I take these walks, that the other people on the Greenway simply stare straight ahead and don't acknowledge the wonders around them.  Oh sure, right now things are still brown from Fall and Winter, but there are areas of green coming through.  Plus there is the wildlife.  On my little trip I saw dozens of squirrels (of course), a pair of Cardinals, a quad of Bluejays, a Falcon, a Raccoon, and four Deer.  one of the Deer, a brave soul, actually walked within 8 or 10 feet of me.  And silly me forgot to bring a camera.

     And while all this wonderful wildlife was walking, scurrying, and flying around, people other than me simply jogged on by, not even looking.  Some were on bikes, wearing their 'precious' little helmets and spandex shorts...keeping their heads down and never looking at the wonders of Nature herself.

     I love my walks for the simple reason that I get to encounter nature...and I feel sorry for all the others who never look at the wonder around them.

     Enjoy the walk and you won't care how far you go.  Your body will automatically fall into the perfect rhythm for walking...how fast and how far determined by your body itself.

     So...just enjoy the birds and the other animals.  And if you happen to be on the Big Creek Greenway here in Georgia and you see a bear walking along the man-made trails, don't run screaming...it's probably just me.

A Light in the Black

     Have you ever actually FELT your heart sinking?  Actually FELT yourself slipping into the abyss that is depression?  You WANT to do things.  You WANT to go places, but you are too far into the claws of the Blue Mood that it creeps into Depression.  But then something magical happens.  It's a sound, a Voice, a word...something.  You hear this sound, or whatever, and instantly that Blue Mood that is damn near black now evaporates as if it never was.  I have that magical "whatever".  It's a Voice.  A beautiful, magical Voice that I have been blessed to hear since my age was in single digits.  That's right, folks, you know what's coming....it's the Voice of my Muse.  

     But I can't hear it right now.  The last few days I have standing on the edge of the Abyss, feeling the rocky ledge crumbling under my feet.  I stood watching the endless Vortex of Darkness swirling away, as if I stood at the event horizon of a black hole.  Just a single word in that sweet, heavenly voice and I know that the ledge would solidify instantly, that the sun would shine again...that there would be hope for another day.  Pictures help.  I can see her smile, the twinkle in her eyes...and it helps.  Some.  But I can still feel the ledge being eaten away by the Vortex.  

     I have sent word to my Muse.  I hope she got it.  I need her help.  I need to hear HER voice.  Instead, I hear the voice of the Dark.  And where I used to enjoy hearing from the Dark, its voice has changed....it's harsher, more demanding.  I'm not afraid of the Dark, exactly...but I am....apprehensive.  The Dark used to welcome me with open arms like a long lost friend would.  Now I feel it waiting for me, like a predator waiting for prey.

     But the Voice of my Muse will change that.  To hear her Voice will awaken a light in my heart and my soul.  It will armor me against the Dark and against the Vortex.  Her Voice will make me unafraid to look into the heart of the Dark.  

     "SOON", the Dark says to me.  "SOON WE WILL BE ONE."

     With the Voice of my Muse echoing in my ears, I can turn my back on the Dark and its Vortex.

     "Not yet", I will whisper, as I walk away.  

     "Not yet."

Trends and Resolutions

     Over the last few years, I have noticed a trend happening.  I doubt others would see it.  They would probably only see my personal fears or tell me that it's all in my head.  Well...real or imaginary, I still have to deal with it, right?  So this trend, as I see it, works like this - Women will talk to me about their personal lives, about how the boyfriend isn't paying enough attention anymore or how the hubby has been cheating or whatever.  Now me...I try to help.  I offer suggestions on what to try, what to say...things like that.  I'm their best friend when the shit is hitting the fan.  But when things start to turn around, when things start to get better...well, then suddenly they don't want to talk to me or be seen with me.  It happened with 2 different women I knew from a previous job and it's happened with various women throughout my years.  Why is it that I am only good enough to talk to when the chips are down?  Every time it happens I say to myself that it's the last time...that from now on I will be like all the other guys cuz then women would at least talk to me.  But I can't do it...it's just not in me.  I'm the nice guy.  And nice guys always finish last IF they finish at all.

     The second part of this lil rant of mine is about resolutions.  It's almost the new year and everyone makes resolutions and finally, after many a year, I will too.  But first, a little background to help understand my resolution.  Recently someone made the statement that "art is essentially useless".  This has bothered me since I first read that statement.  A trusted friend at work told me I should just forget about it.  Unfortunately for me, it's just one of those things that sticks in my craw.  See, it works like this - if art is useless, then, by extension, the artist is useless.  So in essence this person is telling me that I am useless.  What makes it hurt even worse is that this is coming from the very person who inspired me to become an artist in the first place.  Thus we come to my resolution for the new year.  Since I am indirectly being told that I am useless, my resolution is to never again create any art.  No more drawing or painting or coloring.  Nothing artistic or creative in any way.

     When your Muse tells you you're useless...then it is time to stop.

the Mirror

     I stare into the reflective surface and wonder to myself, " Who the hell are you?"  Then I realize, "Oh yeah, that's supposed to be me."  The only problem is, I don't see 'me'.  The man in the mirror is not the image in my head.  The image in my head is of a man in his late 20's or early 30's . . . but there is an old man staring back at me.  Who is this old man?  I don't know him.  Oh yeah, that's supposed to be me.  

     But something has happened to me over the last few weeks and months.  I feel . . . okay.  It's been a long time since I have felt this way.  Usually everything is all Doom-and-Gloom.  It's an ok place to visit from time to time, but most folks don't like to live in Doom-and-Gloom land.  I, unfortunately, have lived there for far too long.  One day, I took a look around and realized that it was just me.  Doom-and-Gloom land had dwindled to a population of just one - me.  Finally, I decided "to hell with it".  

     I like who I am now.  I have fun being me now.  I find I laugh a lil more nowadays.  Smile a lil easier these days.

I stare into the reflective surface and say to myself (thank you SNL), "I like me".

A 'funny' thing happened . . .

     Well, it has happened again.  Someone that I THOUGHT was a friend, up and waltzed out of my life without so much as a "so long" or a "see ya later".  There are times, such as this, that I despise trying to be nice.  All it ever seems to get me is more pain.  It just seems that folks come into my life, carve out a place in my heart for themselves and then abandon me when they KNOW its gonna hurt the most.  And not only that, but it's always a woman, too.  But not even my true friends, or even my family, seems to understand what this kind of thing does to me, how it affects me and makes me feel.  I'm starting to think that I should just give up on this whole bullshit 'friend' thing as a whole.  It's nothing but pain.  It's a frivolous commodity nowadays, but it's something that I, personally, take to heart.  Friendship MEANS something to me, dammit!  It's not something I enter into lightly and yet most of the people I encounter these days just dont seem to get it.

Bottom line: If you are the type of person who can't be bothered to at least say goodbye to me, then don't pretend to be my friend the rest of the time.

That's my vent . . . for now.

A Modern Man

I'm a modern man,

digital and smoke-free;

a man for the millenium.

A diversified, multi-cultural,

post-modern deconstructionist;

politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I've been uplinked and downloaded,

I've been inputted and outsourced.

I know the upside of downsizing,

I know the downside of upgrading.

I'm a high-tech low-life.

A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art,

bi-coastal multi-tasker,

and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm new-wave, but I'm old-school;

and my inner child is outward-bound

I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking,

warm-hearted cool customer;

voice-activated and bio-degradable.

I interface with my database;

my database is in cyberspace;

so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive,

and from time to time I'm radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve,

ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet,

pushin' the envelope.

I'm on point, on task, on message,

and off drugs.

I've got no need for coke and speed;

I've got no urge to binge and purge.

I'm in the moment, on the edge,

over the top, but under the radar.

A high-concept, low-profile,

medium-range ballistic missionary.

A street-wise smart bomb.

A top-gun bottom-feeder.

I wear power ties, I tell power lies,

I take power naps, I run victory laps.

I'm a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk

rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.

A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic;

out of rehab and in denial.

I've got a personal trainer,

a personal shopper,

a personal assistant,

and a personal agenda.

You cant shut me up;

you can't dumb me down.

'Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless.

I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers.

I'm a non-believer,

I'm an over-achiever;

laid-back and fashion-forward.

Up-front, down-home;

low-rent, high-maintenance.

I'm super-sized, long-lasting,

high-definition, fast-acting,

oven-ready and built to last.

A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case;

prematurely post-traumatic,

and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail.

But I'm feeling, I'm caring,

I'm healing, I'm sharing.

A supportive, bonding, nurturing

primary-care giver.

My output is down, but my income is up.

I take a short position on the long bond,

and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail, I eat junk food,

I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.

I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive,

user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.

I like rough sex; I like tough love.

I use the f-word in my e-mail.

And the software on my hard drive

is hard-core - no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini mall.

I bought a mini-van at a mega-store.

I eat fast food in the slow lane.

I'm toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear,

and I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped, factory-authorized,

hospital-tested, clinically proven,

scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I've been pre-washed, pre-cooled, pre-heated,

pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged,

post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped

and vacuum-packed.

and . . . I have unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal.

Lean and mean.

Cocked, locked and ready to rock;

rough, tough and hard to bluff.

I take it slow, I go with the flow;

I ride with the tide, I've got glide in my stride.

drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin';

jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin'.

I don't snooze, so I don't lose.

I keep the pedal to the metal

and the rubber on the road.

I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunch time.

I'm hangin' in, there ain't no doubt;

and I'm hangin' tough.

Over and out.

words by the immortal George Carlin

An Ode to Myself

Alone again tonite...a place you know too well

Missin' somethin' in your life

Just goin' through the motions

Like to say that you got burned

Well, you're not the only one

You've reached the Y in lonely

On the streets where you run

Can't go back to where you've been

Are you ready to try again?

Commitment's just a word

You couldn't wrap your heart around

Foolish pride and freedom

Got you standing your ground 

The same faces every night

Where you stay 'til closing time

It don't stop the empty feeling

Are you just wastin' your time

A leap of faith, another chance

While you still can dance

Once you let someone love you

You'll find an open door

A place in your heart you've never been before

Believe that it's never too late

For someone to set you free

Once you let someone love you

words by N. Schon & J. Cain