Cascades of gentle touch, her passion blinding my eyes.
I find I lose myself, drowning from her colorful sky.
I'm aware of her grace...those careless kisses.
She's my Zen, my own, my only Shangri-La.
She's my french champagne, she's my ooh la la.
Like a gentle wind she moves, a fascination I desire.
She's a butterfly, she's a Mona Lisa smile.
Tattooed on a sacred place, she's a mystery.
Wondering if she loves me, she's a mystery.
She's a sweet confusion.
I can hold her tight.
Yet she's free to fly in and out of my life.
She's a mystery.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
the Curse
One score and two days into the seventh month in the year nineteen hundred and sixty-nine, a dark depression was released upon the face of the Earth. Two score and two years later, that depression still exists. That depression would be...me. If you can't tell so far, I am not a big supporter of birthdays. That "enjoyment" of the day of my birth ended during the summer before my senior year of high school. Since that day, my usual routine for this day consisted of taking the day off from work and barricading myself in my room...not really wanting to see or talk to anyone. And for a good twenty years, that's how it went. THIS year however....well, due to circumstances beyond my control, I HAD to be at work, I HAD to deal with people.
I received the usual ritual from family. The eldest brother said "Happy Birthday Jim" as I was walking out the door to go to work..and then didn't say anything to me for the remainder of the day. Mom called me that night and, because of strange timing and odd circumstances, my father and I didn't get to talk until three days later. There was ONE person I was hoping to hear from, though. Not so much to hear her say the words "happy birthday", but just because I wanted to hear her voice. The day came and went with no word from her. I tried to call her the next day, our usual day to try and talk, but she was out of town with HIM and I didn't even get to hear her voicemail message as that has changed to some prerecorded message in some strange guys voice.
It has been awhile since I have talked to her, my Muse. This, more than anything else, causes my heart and my spirits to plummet. Yes, just the sound of her recorded voice can sustain my soul until we actually speak to each other again, but I am denied even that now. Perhaps she might see these words and try to call...but as the saying goes "I'm not going to hold my breath". This...is my Curse. I don't believe that anyone else can truly understand it as such, unless they experience it themselves. I NEED her...in whatever manner I can get. Even if it is merely hearing her voice in a recorded message.
I know I will never get to live the Dream. That dream is to be with her, but she and I have had that discussion before. I will always be the Good Friend. Unfortunately, that seems to be my role in the life of every woman I have ever had a true interest in...the Muse...the Enchantress....the Innocent.
Thus I have given up hope.
What little soul I had left has been crushed.
The dream is ended.
All that remains...is the Curse...
...and the Dark.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
the Dark
There are times, in the wee hours of the night, when those quiet little thoughts that we ignore during the day sneak back into the forefront of our minds. Those little thoughts that tell you that you're not good enough or smart enough. All of the little what-ifs and the would-a, could-a, should-as that we refuse to acknowledge ...consciously anyway. These times are part of the Dark.
The Dark is the source of all the fears that a person has or ever will feel. Any slight doubt contained in the mind is magnified by the Dark and transformed into the demon that hides under the bed or in the closet, waiting for you to fall asleep. Because whether anyone wants to admit it or not, everyone feels, usually for just a micro-second, a feeling of fear or dread just before they open the closet door with no lights on. For me though, the Dark used to be my best friend. It hid all my fears. It hid me. When you are a young child, during a time in your life when being part of the group and having friends is most important, it hurts when no one wants you to be part of their group. The Dark hides that pain.
Growing up, as a male, you have to provide everything during the ritual of "going out" - you have to provide the transportation for everywhere you go, the money for the dinner or movie or concert or whatever, anything that the female wants or desires for the evening, you have to provide. And when you don't have the means to transport or the means to provide for anything really, then you are looked down upon by everyone else. You are shunned, even if no one admits it. But not by the Dark. The Dark accepts you with open arms. The Dark...becomes your only friend. You see people you know, people you want to be more than friends with, you see them laughing and joking with each other yet going silent as you pass by. Another knife thrust into your heart. The Dark takes that knife out...slowly, gently. The Dark soothes your pain. The pain of rejection from your peers. But the Dark never rejects you.
The problem comes as we get older. We begin to drift away from the comfort of the Dark. And when we finally visit it again, that's when our fears come out, because our relationship with the Dark has changed. That's not to say that the Dark has changed, far from it.....WE have changed. All of our experiences throughout our lives change us, sometimes for good and sometimes not. We begin to fear the Dark because we see the end coming and the Dark represents that end. And there are times, in the wee hours of the night, when all we really want is for the end to finally happen. Because only then do we finally return to the comfort of the Dark.
The Dark is always there. Eternal.
The Dark is the source of all the fears that a person has or ever will feel. Any slight doubt contained in the mind is magnified by the Dark and transformed into the demon that hides under the bed or in the closet, waiting for you to fall asleep. Because whether anyone wants to admit it or not, everyone feels, usually for just a micro-second, a feeling of fear or dread just before they open the closet door with no lights on. For me though, the Dark used to be my best friend. It hid all my fears. It hid me. When you are a young child, during a time in your life when being part of the group and having friends is most important, it hurts when no one wants you to be part of their group. The Dark hides that pain.
Growing up, as a male, you have to provide everything during the ritual of "going out" - you have to provide the transportation for everywhere you go, the money for the dinner or movie or concert or whatever, anything that the female wants or desires for the evening, you have to provide. And when you don't have the means to transport or the means to provide for anything really, then you are looked down upon by everyone else. You are shunned, even if no one admits it. But not by the Dark. The Dark accepts you with open arms. The Dark...becomes your only friend. You see people you know, people you want to be more than friends with, you see them laughing and joking with each other yet going silent as you pass by. Another knife thrust into your heart. The Dark takes that knife out...slowly, gently. The Dark soothes your pain. The pain of rejection from your peers. But the Dark never rejects you.
The problem comes as we get older. We begin to drift away from the comfort of the Dark. And when we finally visit it again, that's when our fears come out, because our relationship with the Dark has changed. That's not to say that the Dark has changed, far from it.....WE have changed. All of our experiences throughout our lives change us, sometimes for good and sometimes not. We begin to fear the Dark because we see the end coming and the Dark represents that end. And there are times, in the wee hours of the night, when all we really want is for the end to finally happen. Because only then do we finally return to the comfort of the Dark.
The Dark is always there. Eternal.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Musings about the Muse. . .
Yesterday I found myself thinking about a certain someone. Not surprising, really, since this person is in my thoughts every day, but it has been a while since I have seen this person or gotten a hug from her and so I was feeling a bit melancholy. I miss her. To paraphrase a song i know..."I need her in my eyes". The wonderful thing about yesterday though was that somehow, some way, she must have known...cuz she called me. (How DOES she do that?!?)
Even though I might not be able to SEE her as often as I would like (say, every second of every day), at least I got to hear her voice...and that is actually able to sustain me... for a while.
A lil background for folks that don't know...the two of us met on the first day of Kindergarten and on that day I just KNEW she was the one for me. However, the very next day, I also KNEW that I was not the one for her. But there was absolutely no way I could let her out of my life and so we became best friends. Growing up though, the thing she never knew was that she was my muse. She was the reason that I did things. I wasn't the best looking or the smartest or the strongest, so what could I do to get her attention? I began to draw...not because I was any good at it but because it was the only thing I could think of that no one else in my class was doing. Without her, I don't really have any interest in doing anything creative.
For a while we drifted apart, then found each other again. Slowly we drift closer and closer physically. Maybe someday I get to see her again, hold her in my arms however briefly (she IS married now after all). But what others fail to realize is that for me, getting to just see her or hear her voice on the phone or, most exquisite of all, actually getting to hug her...THOSE are my religious experiences. THAT is Heaven on earth for me. It is those moments that I live for. They empower me...supercharging my body and making me feel like Superman but also fueling my soul. I need her more than she will ever know. We have talked about this and she THINKS she knows how I feel. She doesn't. Someday I hope to find the words to explain it to her properly, but until then I can only use a woefully inadequate code that the two of us know about. A turn of phrase from a movie that we both love.
"As you wish, my Princess...as you wish."
Even though I might not be able to SEE her as often as I would like (say, every second of every day), at least I got to hear her voice...and that is actually able to sustain me... for a while.
A lil background for folks that don't know...the two of us met on the first day of Kindergarten and on that day I just KNEW she was the one for me. However, the very next day, I also KNEW that I was not the one for her. But there was absolutely no way I could let her out of my life and so we became best friends. Growing up though, the thing she never knew was that she was my muse. She was the reason that I did things. I wasn't the best looking or the smartest or the strongest, so what could I do to get her attention? I began to draw...not because I was any good at it but because it was the only thing I could think of that no one else in my class was doing. Without her, I don't really have any interest in doing anything creative.
For a while we drifted apart, then found each other again. Slowly we drift closer and closer physically. Maybe someday I get to see her again, hold her in my arms however briefly (she IS married now after all). But what others fail to realize is that for me, getting to just see her or hear her voice on the phone or, most exquisite of all, actually getting to hug her...THOSE are my religious experiences. THAT is Heaven on earth for me. It is those moments that I live for. They empower me...supercharging my body and making me feel like Superman but also fueling my soul. I need her more than she will ever know. We have talked about this and she THINKS she knows how I feel. She doesn't. Someday I hope to find the words to explain it to her properly, but until then I can only use a woefully inadequate code that the two of us know about. A turn of phrase from a movie that we both love.
"As you wish, my Princess...as you wish."
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
the Machine
Right...since, at this point, I only have one follower, who knows all of this already, I really shouldn't have to repeat all this...BUT...at some point others might join in and might be interested in this (yeah right) so here goes...
Towards the beginning of the year, I had developed a rash on my back between the shoulder blades. Went to the doctor to get it checked. While there, the doctor made me wait for a good 15-20 minutes before checking me out. "Why?" you might ask? Because at that point, my blood pressure was 190 over 110, which I have been told is bad. So bad, in fact, that while I was waiting, the doc was deciding whether he should have me transported to a hospital. Since that time, I have had ZERO problems with the rash and the doc has put me on meds that now control my blood pressure and my cholestorol and the doc also seems pleased with the progress so far.
Do I go back to the way I was? No. I have actually gotten used to taking most of the soda from my daily intake (I admit to having a small 8 oz bottle in the mornings...it's my version of a cup of coffee). And I actually drink bottled water when I am at work too. Whoda thunkit! The big challenges now are controlling my portion size (and trust me, my mom will keep me posted on THAT one!) and actually getting my fat ass up and moving. Doc wants me to walk. Never said how far or how fast or any such thing....just walk. That is actually going to be the hardest part for me. I am not the kind of guy to just walk for the fun of it (or run for that matter, like some redheads I might know) but I AM going to do it.
Wish me luck folks.
Towards the beginning of the year, I had developed a rash on my back between the shoulder blades. Went to the doctor to get it checked. While there, the doctor made me wait for a good 15-20 minutes before checking me out. "Why?" you might ask? Because at that point, my blood pressure was 190 over 110, which I have been told is bad. So bad, in fact, that while I was waiting, the doc was deciding whether he should have me transported to a hospital. Since that time, I have had ZERO problems with the rash and the doc has put me on meds that now control my blood pressure and my cholestorol and the doc also seems pleased with the progress so far.
Do I go back to the way I was? No. I have actually gotten used to taking most of the soda from my daily intake (I admit to having a small 8 oz bottle in the mornings...it's my version of a cup of coffee). And I actually drink bottled water when I am at work too. Whoda thunkit! The big challenges now are controlling my portion size (and trust me, my mom will keep me posted on THAT one!) and actually getting my fat ass up and moving. Doc wants me to walk. Never said how far or how fast or any such thing....just walk. That is actually going to be the hardest part for me. I am not the kind of guy to just walk for the fun of it (or run for that matter, like some redheads I might know) but I AM going to do it.
Wish me luck folks.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
What A Day...
Ok...so the day starts out fairly normal...I get ready for work. The trouble starts as soon as I leave my bedroom. First I dont have anything to take with me to eat for my break nor do I have anything to drink. Easy fix, I'll stop at the grocery store.
EEHHHHHH. Wrong answer. Store won't be open til 7am cuz they are re-waxing the floors and I am there at 5:30. Ok, no biggie...there is a gas station on the way to the highway, I'll get something there.
EEHHHHH! Strike 2! The system is down and won't take credit/debit cards...and I got no cash! So I gotta go outta my way to find another 24hr gas station so I can get something. FINALLY make it to work, do my work and then get ready to split.
EEHHHHH! Strike 3! Right at the last minute they call me to the front to help out on a register. "It'll only be for a few minutes." HA! "A few minutes" turns into nearly half an hour before I finally get to make my escape.
WHEW! Luckily the rest of my day was fun. I got to spend the rest of the day with my mom just hangin' out and doing a little shopping...although according to my mom it ended up as "Holy Crap! Do you two guys REALLY eat THAT much food?!?"
Ah well...fun times were had by all.
Until next time kids, I'm Weird Willie West here on the Weird Willie West Show only on...
W W W W W...I I I I I...N N N N N ...O O O O O
Wonder WINO Radio!
in western WallaWalla
EEHHHHHH. Wrong answer. Store won't be open til 7am cuz they are re-waxing the floors and I am there at 5:30. Ok, no biggie...there is a gas station on the way to the highway, I'll get something there.
EEHHHHH! Strike 2! The system is down and won't take credit/debit cards...and I got no cash! So I gotta go outta my way to find another 24hr gas station so I can get something. FINALLY make it to work, do my work and then get ready to split.
EEHHHHH! Strike 3! Right at the last minute they call me to the front to help out on a register. "It'll only be for a few minutes." HA! "A few minutes" turns into nearly half an hour before I finally get to make my escape.
WHEW! Luckily the rest of my day was fun. I got to spend the rest of the day with my mom just hangin' out and doing a little shopping...although according to my mom it ended up as "Holy Crap! Do you two guys REALLY eat THAT much food?!?"
Ah well...fun times were had by all.
Until next time kids, I'm Weird Willie West here on the Weird Willie West Show only on...
W W W W W...I I I I I...N N N N N ...O O O O O
Wonder WINO Radio!
in western WallaWalla
Friday, February 11, 2011
Truck Day
As always seems to happen, I managed to tweak my left knee yet again during the truck. It was almost 1000 pieces and, of course, I grabbed a big heavy box and turned all of my body EXCEPT the left leg...thus the knee popped and ended up feeling like a lead weight for the remainder of my shift. One would think that I would have learned by now but NOOOOOOOO.
So anyway, it is time for relaxing and resting my leg so hopefully I can at least hobble slightly tomorrow, even though She-of-the-Amazing-Smile is not supposed to be there to make the day bearable. Oh well...it's not like there is any hope anyway.....
Still missing my Princess too. I am owed a hug and SUPPOSEDLY she said she would cook for me, but I know how that goes........
Just kidding, my dear.
Until next time...........
So anyway, it is time for relaxing and resting my leg so hopefully I can at least hobble slightly tomorrow, even though She-of-the-Amazing-Smile is not supposed to be there to make the day bearable. Oh well...it's not like there is any hope anyway.....
Still missing my Princess too. I am owed a hug and SUPPOSEDLY she said she would cook for me, but I know how that goes........
Just kidding, my dear.
Until next time...........
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