Wednesday, April 13, 2011

the Dark

     There are times, in the wee hours of the night, when those quiet little thoughts that we ignore during the day sneak back into the forefront of our minds.  Those little thoughts that tell you that you're not good enough or smart enough.  All of the little what-ifs and the would-a, could-a, should-as that we refuse to acknowledge ...consciously anyway.  These times are part of the Dark. 
     The Dark is the source of all the fears that a person has or ever will feel.  Any slight doubt contained in the mind is magnified by the Dark and transformed into the demon that hides under the bed or in the closet, waiting for you to fall asleep.  Because whether anyone wants to admit it or not, everyone feels, usually for just a micro-second, a feeling of fear or dread just before they open the closet door with no lights on.  For me though, the Dark used to be my best friend.  It hid all my fears.  It hid me.  When you are a young child, during a time in your life when being part of the group and having friends is most important, it hurts when no one wants you to be part of their group.  The Dark hides that pain. 
     Growing up, as a male, you have to provide everything during the ritual of "going out" - you have to provide the transportation for everywhere you go, the money for the dinner or movie or concert or whatever, anything that the female wants or desires for the evening, you have to provide.  And when you don't have the means to transport or the means to provide for anything really, then you are looked down upon by everyone else.  You are shunned, even if no one admits it.  But not by the Dark.  The Dark accepts you with open arms.  The Dark...becomes your only friend.  You see people you know, people you want to be more than friends with, you see them laughing and joking with each other yet going silent as you pass by.  Another knife thrust into your heart.  The Dark takes that knife out...slowly, gently.  The Dark soothes your pain.  The pain of rejection from your peers.  But the Dark never rejects you.
     The problem comes as we get older.  We begin to drift away from the comfort of the Dark.  And when we finally visit it again, that's when our fears come out, because our relationship with the Dark has changed.  That's not to say that the Dark has changed, far from it.....WE have changed.  All of our experiences throughout our lives change us, sometimes for good and sometimes not.  We begin to fear the Dark because we see the end coming and the Dark represents that end.  And there are times, in the wee hours of the night, when all we really want is for the end to finally happen.  Because only then do we finally return to the comfort of the Dark.
     The Dark is always there. Eternal.