Wednesday, September 28, 2011

My World

     I was not born for this world.  After many years trying to fit in, I have recently taken a step back and had a hard look at myself.  What I discovered is that I do not have the skills necessary to survive in the world today.  I just don't.
     I read.  A lot.  I read about what is deemed fantasy worlds; worlds of myths and legends.  Worlds where your ACTIONS determined what type of man you were, not where you were born or how much money you were born into.  These worlds are home for me - it's where I belong.  The world of 2011, the here and now, is a world of "me".  What's in it for "me"?  How does it benefit "me"?  It's a world of lies, deceit and betrayal.  It's a world full of men who say and do anything to make a buck - screw the other guy in the process.  The rich get richer and everyone else can go to hell.
     And it's the little things that no one seems to miss either.  When was the last time you saw someone on the bus get up to let the elderly man or woman have the seat?  Or the pregnant woman have the seat?  How many times have you personally sat in a chair at your local Starbucks sippin' on your coffee watching out the window while someone was getting their pocket picked right in front of you?  And you just sat there.
      MY world, the world and time that I claim as mine - no one would stand for that.  In my world, the elderly were revered for having lived so long and gathered as much knowledge as they had.  They were taken care of, not shunned by society as a whole, stuck into an institution and forgotten about.  And everyone looked out for everyone else.  People had good hearts and did good things for their fellow man.

     An example - when I moved out to Denver many moons ago, I got a job at a local 7-11.  One night a guy came in and was getting very basic things; milk eggs, baby food, diapers, dog food.  Like I said, just basic things for the various members of his family.  He brought everything up to the counter and after I totaled everything up, he realized he didn't have enough money on him. He was stuck.  It was just the basics.  There were no all-night grocery stores in the area and I was working the graveyard shift.  I made him a deal.  I had a list as an employee there - I could eat or drink whatever I wanted, just put it on the list and pay for it when I got my check.  I told this to the guy and then wrote down everything he had on the counter...all of it.  He was so grateful.  He took his bags and went home.  This was the start of my disillusionment with the world.  I honestly did not think I would ever see that guy again.
     SURPRISE!  It took, maybe, 30 minutes before he came back.  He had all the money for the groceries.  He was so grateful that I had taken a chance on him, two strangers trusting one another.  It turned out that he was the leader of  the biggest of the local gangs and from that night on I was under their protection.  So much so that this guy actually beat the crap out of two of his own members for trying to steal from me.

     That's my world.  A world where my actions spoke much louder and more honestly than anything I say.  A world where being the nice guy was a good thing.  But here?  Now?  The nice guy finishes last IF he finishes at all.  The nice guy gets ridiculed and shunned.
     One other thing you might have noticed.  In all the posts so far, I don't really talk about God.  God has no place in my world.  They say all I have to do is believe.  But I don't.  I can't.  Too many contradictions.  They say I'm going to Hell for not believing, but you know what?  After living in this world, Hell would be a vacation.  And if there is no Heaven or Hell, then I know that my old friend will always be there waiting for me...
     . . . my Olde Friend, the Dark.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Giving Up

     Many many moons ago, before I was even a one-celled organism, a doctor told my parents "you're going to have a baby.''  Now, at that time, my folks already HAD two kids and really didn't want a third.  Then they found out about me.  Strike one.  They decided that, well, if it's on the way then let's at least hope for a girl.  Extra equipment.  Sorry folks.  Strike two.  Finally they said, well, let's at least hope for a healthy child.  Born with asthma.  Heh.  Just starting out life and already three strikes.  And the hits just kept on coming.
      I'm 42 now, and yet feel SO much older.  Bad feet, bad knees, back problems, elbows and shoulders that ache from the moment I wake til I go back to sleep, and a bad ticker.  To some I'm sure this sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm just presenting the facts.  Besides, it's not like anyone is actually READING what I type anyway.  I'm a product of what Life has done to me.  They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I don't feel strong anymore....I'm beaten.  The aches and pains are just physical though, and I can deal with that.  What gets me, what truly drags my spirits down beyond the deepest, darkest depths of Tartarus, is all the events that have demoralized me throughout the years.
     Recently I had interaction with someone,  a couple of lunchtime get-togethers for a burger and some witty banter.  Well, in truth it was one at first...and then a three week hiatus.  And in those three weeks she found someone else.  Heh.  That was the last best shot.  After all these years and and all the crap I've dealt with, people that have come into my life and left again - and some that I made sure will never see the light of day again - all of the physical pain will eventually go away.  It's that emotional shit that's killing me...and yet, I'm still here.  And that bums me out the most.  I want it all to just stop.  The BIG stop.  But I can't do anything about that because I made a promise to the LifeGiver.  So here I sit, mired in a pain that will never stop, a pain that haunts my dreams the same as it does my waking hours.  Luckily for me I can't remember my dreams.  My only solace.  Because when I fall asleep, the only thing that is waiting for me the Dark.
     Always the Dark.