Sunday, September 25, 2011

Giving Up

     Many many moons ago, before I was even a one-celled organism, a doctor told my parents "you're going to have a baby.''  Now, at that time, my folks already HAD two kids and really didn't want a third.  Then they found out about me.  Strike one.  They decided that, well, if it's on the way then let's at least hope for a girl.  Extra equipment.  Sorry folks.  Strike two.  Finally they said, well, let's at least hope for a healthy child.  Born with asthma.  Heh.  Just starting out life and already three strikes.  And the hits just kept on coming.
      I'm 42 now, and yet feel SO much older.  Bad feet, bad knees, back problems, elbows and shoulders that ache from the moment I wake til I go back to sleep, and a bad ticker.  To some I'm sure this sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm just presenting the facts.  Besides, it's not like anyone is actually READING what I type anyway.  I'm a product of what Life has done to me.  They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I don't feel strong anymore....I'm beaten.  The aches and pains are just physical though, and I can deal with that.  What gets me, what truly drags my spirits down beyond the deepest, darkest depths of Tartarus, is all the events that have demoralized me throughout the years.
     Recently I had interaction with someone,  a couple of lunchtime get-togethers for a burger and some witty banter.  Well, in truth it was one at first...and then a three week hiatus.  And in those three weeks she found someone else.  Heh.  That was the last best shot.  After all these years and and all the crap I've dealt with, people that have come into my life and left again - and some that I made sure will never see the light of day again - all of the physical pain will eventually go away.  It's that emotional shit that's killing me...and yet, I'm still here.  And that bums me out the most.  I want it all to just stop.  The BIG stop.  But I can't do anything about that because I made a promise to the LifeGiver.  So here I sit, mired in a pain that will never stop, a pain that haunts my dreams the same as it does my waking hours.  Luckily for me I can't remember my dreams.  My only solace.  Because when I fall asleep, the only thing that is waiting for me the Dark.
     Always the Dark.

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